I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
