Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
