walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
