My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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