His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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