Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
