Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
