I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
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just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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