Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
