He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
