Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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