I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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