I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
