I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
