Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
