Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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