I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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