every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
