i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
