i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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