brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
