Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
