1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
