god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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