I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
