Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
