I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
