i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
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Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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