i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
