I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
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