I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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