when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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