Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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