Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
