he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
