i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
