He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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