Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Two words: nipple clamps
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