i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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