not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.