Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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