I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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