He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
