This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize