blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
