Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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