I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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