You can't special order awesome
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
