Plan B is the new Plan A
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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