She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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