tell your sister to shave her snatch
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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