Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
50% drunk capacity currently
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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