you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
