i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
operation harelip BJ is a go
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
