I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
