Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
