i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
